Friday Night Ramblings of a Teen Angst-y Teen

Do you ever just feel like you’re going crazy?

I’ll be the first to admit I am oblivious to the way humans work; the way we are born with constellations in our filaments yet neglect to see light, the way things as simple as a change of a letter can shake the earth-

morning

mourning;

I’ll probably never understand the way we, as humans, are drawn to destruction time and time again because our incredible urge to feel alive- to feel something– will forever seem stronger than our common sense.

I walked in on a male penis enhancement commercial today.

That was awkward.

It was eight in the morning and way too early to be in such a trying predicament however, thankfully, I’m a hardcore teen angst-y teen who likes to pretend like life doesn’t phase me so fortunately, the eye contact made between me and Natalie’s grandpa as the commercial explained erectile dysfunction and “better performance” was not the painful part.

Throwing up breakfast was.

Ugh. I know. It’s pretty much been going on all week. I’m an idiot.

The worst part about it wasn’t even that I got out of the shower, still dripping with water and diluted Pantene to do so. It wasn’t that I could taste the Dove bar soap on my fingers as I guided them towards the back of my throat or even that after toilet water splashed back up out of the bowl I spent 20 minutes desperately scrubbing the piss off my face because the worst part about it, about it all, was knowing that what I was doing was wrong in every way.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going absolutely insane.

Like…2007 Britney Spears meets everyday Naomi Campbell insane.

I wake up every morning uncomfortable and bloated and everything I’ve been trying to avoid feeling for these past three years and I tell myself that I’m okay and that my legs really aren’t that big and neither is my nose and that my shoulders are bearable both literally and metaphorically and so is my stomach but sometimes I really question who I’m trying to convince; who am I trying to recover for?

I feel massive and want need to lose weight.

And, I mean, truthfully, in my everyday life I’m surrounded by people who genuinely just don’t care. Not that they’re cold hearted or anything of that nature because they’re anything but that but, in all seriousness, they could probably care less about accountability or meal plans- what I eat or what I don’t eat.

And that’s hard for me to realize some days.

Although I know that treating my body kindly and feeding it properly is the right thing to do, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying myself; like I’m going against everything I should be. Here I am, with no one “forcing” me to do anything recovery related yet still shoveling food into my mouth even when, sometimes, I’d just rather not because, why?

WHY?! What am I doing?

Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy…

Anyways, this is my first “ramblings” post partly because I feel bad for not posting in a while but mostly because I’m crazy. And tired.

And crazy tired.

Thanks for listening to my mush!

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7 thoughts on “Friday Night Ramblings of a Teen Angst-y Teen

  1. Hey, Lexi-love– You’ve probably heard this before, but please remember that relapse is part of recovery. You’re a hero (heroine? Eh.) for fighting this monsterdisorder every day, and going through a difficult period doesn’t change that. Hero(ine)s are just people, and sometimes they do crazy things. Sometimes they go crazy. Sometimes they go through hell. What they also do is come out the other side. And you CAN, darling. You’ve got the war in your blood. Yes, it’s exhausting. But it’s worth it. Because why, in the end, are you working/fighting for recovery? Because you’re worth it. Yes, you are, you are, you are.
    I’m here for you. You can message me any time, or email me, or text me, call me, whatever. If you’d like my number, just say the word. I am so, so proud of you for how far you’ve come, no matter what.

    • Thank you so much, Rachel, for always being such a sweet and supportive person. You are truly amazing and I appreciate your words more than you know ❤
      It's 5:30 in the morning and hero(ine?) is definitely not a word I would use to describe myself. Although somedays I'd LIKE to think that I'm invincible and that I can easily move through life without being unscathed by the world's hurt, I (unfortunately) know that I am very much so just an average human being just trying to survive like everyone else.
      And for some reason that just really freaks me out. Sometimes I just really have no clue what I'm doing and that, no matter what, every decision I make is wrong and ridiculous so then I start analyzing every decision I've ever made which, in turn, leads me to write rambling blog posts like these in hopes that they will restore some of my sanity. Argh. Well anyways, that's enough of that seeing as it's a new day and I'm cheering for a better one today. Again, thank you for being so sweet and supportive and just yourself in general. I hope you take some of your words of advice and wisdom and apply it to your life as well because you truly deserve it Xx

  2. I felt compelled to say something like “don’t worry I feel just as crazy as I approach 23” but I can’t imagine that’s comforting… Haha and then I wanted to say something about how I’ve been there too! All the body dysmorphia and the throwing your food up and how it gets better, but I’m still doing it. I guess try not to panic on being crazy because maybe we all are. Maybe just learn to love the crazy and it’ll all seem easier 🙂

    • I’m so sorry you’re still struggling. These kinds of days seem to be occurring less and less frequently as time passes but, ugh, they don’t seem to be getting any easier that’s for sure! Geeze!
      No but seriously, I know these days pass with just a little bit of time, patience, and effort. I already feel better today. Hang in there girl 🙂

  3. Hello love. Remember, in recovery we only have today. So, just for today, don’t think about it. Just remove it from your thought process. Tie it up, put a little bow on it and shove it in a box. If you can get through today, just tell yourself you will purge tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes, repeat the same process. Don’t think today, hold off til tomorrow. Enjoy your today. 🙂 hang tough.

    • I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M JUST SEEING THIS! AH! Anyways, thank you so much for your sweet words. I needed them then, I need them today. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤

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