The Consequences of Mankind

Late last night, as I sat in the dark of the local movie theater shoveling handfuls upon handfuls of Dark Chocolate Raisinetes and self pity into my mouth, I couldn’t help but feel an almost overwhelming amount of sadness come over me.

Sadness because I had lost control.

Sadness because I, so badly, wanted to win.

Sadness because I knew my fate was, ultimately, inevitable; I had to get rid of everything I had just consumed.

The fluorescent glow of the restroom nearly blinded me as I walked in; it shone like a sinfully holy light. As I walked toward the back stall, I contemplated turning around and forgetting it all; forgetting the sickness, forgetting the bullshit.

But then, I remembered who I was and what I was made of. I am comprised of an endless list of rules and regulations, of “safe foods” and calorie charts. Every filament of every fiber of my being is composed of an unorthodox mixture of pride and shame.

As my fingernail scratched patterns into the soft tissue that lined the back of my throat, I couldn’t help but wonder if my parents would be ashamed of me. As my throat began to sting with acid and stale carbonation, I couldn’t help but wonder if a god could ever forgive a sinner like me.

Needless to say, both yesterday and today, I purged.

As badly as I wish I could explain my logic behind it all, I simply can’t. I long for the day when measuring cups and calorie counters hold no power, when middle fingers are used for nothing more than strategic weapons during morning rush hour, when skeletons are no longer looked to as goddesses who, in hopes, will show us how not to need.

But until then, I will restart my countdown and I will sit here, longing and needing, until, of course,

I no longer long or need.

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9 thoughts on “The Consequences of Mankind

  1. Lex- last night when ya’all got home, Larsen told me you had eaten chocolate covered raisins. I was pretty shocked and warning bells went off in my head. I meant to ask you about it…but I have selfishly been wrapped up in my own shit that I have going on. I’m so sorry!!! I put you there, at the theater…and at the breaking point for the eating disorder to take over your night. You deserve better. PLEASE open up to me more. I promise you I will do ANYTHING to help you…and you would be helping me by giving me something to take my mind off the wicked shit that has been happening lately. I love you and I hope you sleep well. Baby steps Lex – one tiny step at a time. We will both know you as a healthy and happy person one day.

  2. Thank you guys for the support, it feels incredible! I know that ultimately, I’m the one who has to put in the work but really, the support and love makes it a hell of a lot easier! I know I can do this…and I WILL do this.
    xx

  3. You CAN do this. It won’t happen for night…believe me I struggle every day but one day we will rise above this my dear.

  4. Lex reading this & knowing your pain I want to cry! I know I’m only Mal’s aunt but I wish I could be out there with you to help you! Although there probably isn’t much I could do except to pray for you & give you an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Mal & I were talking about taking a road trip in the Spring to see you. I know Mal & I would really love to come out & visit. If you would like us too. If I can do anything to help let me know.

    • Oh Cathy I would absolutely love that! I miss you guys everyday! Thanks for the support; the amount that I’ve gotten so far and that I STILL continue to get has left me speechless. I never imagined to a kind of response as great as this…
      Love ya gurl!!

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